Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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