the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
