i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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