If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
