Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
