Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
