I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
