He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
