Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
