I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My hand turned me down
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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