My sheets look like a crime scene.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
