I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
