: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize