Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize