May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
