I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
