Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
