You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize