i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
