he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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