im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
