phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
