Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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