Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize