Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
only you would photoshop your dick
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
