Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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