proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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