She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
