You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
