Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Ladies don't puke and tell
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
