I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
