My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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