true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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