I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
