I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
