did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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