Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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