you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
