I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
