I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
