I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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