Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
