I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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