Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
