her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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