tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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