i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize