I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
