Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
