Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
