Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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