you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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