sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
