She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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