I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
