you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize