once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I can't put those talents on a resume
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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